One month reflections

It’s time to do some one month reflections.  It’s REALLY hard to believe that I’ve been living here for a month. 

Already, I’ve learned more about myself in this month away than I anticipated.  It’s had to put into words exactly how I’ve changed, and I’m guessing my year wrap-up will be much more insightful.  But while I am lonely, and some days are a lot better than others, I feel an unexpected calmness to my time here.  This feeling is also underlying my bad days… even after I’ve eaten ½  a box of cookies (okay, who am I kidding here…a full box).  I know I’m okay, that I’ll get through this, and that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  And this peaceful calm is new for me, especially after the “Blender Breakdown of 2011,” a term I playfully coined for the blender malfunction that triggered my return to the farm and away from my professional career.  It's never the big things that cause you to snap, is it?

There are certainly days when I don’t feel like I can take another second.  As a matter of fact, it’ll probably be tomorrow.   But I’m slowly learning how to cope. 

I’ve realized that I turn too quickly for food to comfort me, especially sweets, and that has been much harder to push past than I would have imagined. 

I realized that living fully, embracing my flaws, celebrating my successes….this kind of contentment and happiness with life isn’t something you permanently obtain.  You don’t wake up one day with all the answers.  I’m accepting the much more realistic view that it’s something I’ll always be working towards, and it helps me to put things into perspective here.

And the biggie: I’ve realized that without meaning to, I put coming to New Zealand on a pedestal.  I had come so far with myself personally that I thought this would be the zenith, the chocolate-white chip-cookie of my life thus far.  THIS was my sweet reward for all my struggles, and it was going to be AMAZING! 

Not to say that it won’t be everything I had hoped for and more.  But what I couldn’t take fully into account until arriving was just how challenging it would be, especially at first.   A Gretchin Rubin quote immediately springs to mind: “Happiness doesn't always make me feel happy.”  When I first read that line a year ago, I couldn’t understand what the heck she was talking about.  Why wouldn’t you feel happy if you were happy?  But I understand it now.  Much like the end result of exercise makes you feel good, the act of dragging yourself out for a run does NOT.   While the newness and challenge of New Zealand is unbelievably rewarding, the newness and challenge is also leaving me feeling insecure, occasionally anxious, and missing home.

So, my challenge for month two is learning to let go of my expectations.  Sure, the first month didn’t exactly go as planned (what in life does?).  But I know no matter how positive or negative this year will be, I’ll come away so incredibly happy that I did it.  If that’s the case, I might as well try to enjoy even the rough spots in the present.